Sleep. It is on everyone’s mind when they are expecting a baby, and it is often something that new parents worry about — how will they get enough sleep? How will they function if they are overtired? What if their baby doesn’t sleep in the crib? And while, like with most things parenting, there is no one size fits all answer as to how to get enough sleep with a newborn, something I talk to all my clients about is bedsharing.

I’ll let you in on a little secret— everyone brings their baby in bed with them at some point. For some, they have always planned to share their sleeping surface with their infant. For others, it was something that was done out of necessity. And for others, it was something they were opposed to, but ended up doing as a mode of harm reduction. So, the question is not will you bring your baby in bed with you, but rather, do you know how to do so safely?

Before we get into the nitty gritty, I want to start by acknowledging that some of you might feel uncomfortable reading this. Likely, you have been told by someone in your life that bedsharing is dangerous, increases the risk of SUIDs (sudden unexplained infant death) and should be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, sleep accidents do happen. But, sleep accidents while bedsharing are almost always related to unsafe sleep conditions (1). When bedsharing is as stigmatized as it is in our culture, people do not have the proper tools or information to know how to share their sleeping surface with their baby safely. And there are so many products sold to new parents that claim to be safe for sleep, but really aren’t. I will do my best to break all of this down for you!

In most cultures, there is not a word for bedsharing, it is just called “sleeping.”

It is largely a white, western idea that sharing a sleep surface with your baby is somehow wrong or dangerous. I can’t help but notice how this feels remarkably similar to how white, western cultural ideas try and foster a sense of independence rather than interdependence. Why is it that babies that were just born are expected to be able to sleep in their own bed, sometimes even their own room, when up until that point their literal whole existence was inside another person’s body? Meanwhile, it is perfectly normal and acceptable for adults to want or need the comfort of another person to fall asleep at night? Babies rely on their parents for co-regulation, they cannot self-soothe.

I could genuinely talk all day about this topic, but what I want to focus in on here are some concrete resources to support bedsharing, and resources for folks who would like to learn more.

To start off, what does safe bedsharing look like?

Many professionals won’t even talk to their patients or clients about bedsharing, or will tell them to avoid it at all costs. Those who are more supportive of it often still take a conservative approach. Generally, it is agreed upon that babies who bedshare should be exclusively nursed— this translates to not taking bottles at all. However, we know that many (most?) infants will be fed by some means other than a parent’s body at some point. The reasoning behind this is that when you are nursing an infant, the lactating parent’s body and the baby’s body are in sync, causing the parent to sleep lighter and the baby to seek out the chest. However, sometimes this seemingly simple parameter is a little confusing to navigate; what about folks that are co-nursing (both parents are nursing the baby) or parents who offer just one bottle in 24 hours? What about parents who are exclusively pumping and feeding on demand? I urge you to make your own informed decision about your feeding methods and bedsharing based on the other parameters that I will discuss here.

Another largely non-negotiable parameter is that parents who bedshare should not smoke, or consume any substances that could make their reflexes slower, or make them sleep deeper. We know for a fact that second hand smoke is dangerous for infants, and that sleep accidents are much more likely to occur when the parent sleeping with baby is under the influence of drugs or alcohol (1).

Other things that are important (2), in no particular order:

• The mattress must be a firm surface. My favourite way to check for this it to lay down on your bed with your baby, and see if a “gully” is created when you lie down— is baby rolling towards you inadvertently when you lay beside then, or do they stay put? If you want to check this before baby arrives you can, just see how much the mattress dips when you lie down.

• Baby should be lightly dressed, as to not overheat. We also do not want to swaddle a baby that is bedsharing.

• No excessive blankets or pillows. Some sources will say that there should be no blankets or pillows on a mattress that an adult and a baby are sharing, but this is unrealistic for most people. Make sure the blanket does not come higher than your hips, and only use one pillow. Be sure there are no loose covers or extra items in bed, which includes ensuring your clothing is not too loose or dangly.

• Baby should sleep with their head near the level of your chest— this gives them easy access to feeding but also keeps them away for covers or pillows.

• You will also want to set up your sleep surface so that there are no cords or gaps. This means no phone chargers on the bed, and a bed firmly against the wall (fill in any gaps with towels, for example). You can also place your mattress away from the wall, but ideally close to the ground with a low, or no, bedframe.

• Your baby should sleep on their back, which is the recommendation no matter where baby sleeps. However, as baby gets older, you may find that they occasionally sleep on their side, especially if they fall asleep while nursing in a side-lying position.

While I don’t have space here to go into all the possible bedharing configurations, (other partner(s) in the bed, older children in the bed, pets, bedsharing only sometimes, bedsharing with a non-gestational parent…the list goes on) I urge you to familiarize yourself with the below resources, and find yourself a supportive person or people who will help answer your questions, and most importantly, not judge you for the choices you and your family make around sleep; these choices are deeply personal and also often made out of necessity or circumstance. Whether or not you plan to bedshare, know that at some point, it may be a really helpful tool for you. And if you choose to bedshare and end up not doing so, either due to choice or necessity, that is okay, too!

One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves while parenting and raising children is allowing ourselves flexibility, and allowing ourselves to change our minds.

Whatever decisions you make around sleep in your family, my wish is that you feel supported, cared for, and prepared.

I offer one-on-one planning sessions where folks can discuss whatever is on their mind, and this is a safe, supportive environment to talk about sleep planning! You can find out more about my offerings here. If you are local to the Hamilton area and seeking postpartum support, book a free consultation today.

Additional Resources:

(1) Co-Sleeping & SIDS, A Guide for Health Professionals (UNICEF) — This resource is geared towards health professionals but has helpful statistics that you might find reassuring.

(2) The Safe Sleep Seven (La Leche League) — A handy breakdown of safety around bedsharing, to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

@cosleepy has some wonderful images, graphics, and videos which demonstrate examples of how to set up your space for cosleeping, how to cosleep older babies/children, and more. It is a great resource, especially if you are a visual learner! They also have a website which has further resources.

@happycosleeper is another Instagram account that is helpful for visual learners.

@smallthingsgrowing is not a besharing focused account, but has a great story highlight with real life images of bedsharing examples.

Lullaby Trust is a UK organization that is very focused on SUIDs prevention, and although they don’t promote bedsharing as a first choice, does offer some visuals, including a video, with a helpful and simple breakdown of bedsharing.

Safe Infant Sleep: Expert Answers to Your Cosleeping Questions is an excellent book written by Dr. James McKenna, all about cosleeping.